The Business Meeting
by LaxusPlayer
Summary: When Levi is forced to write a report on his least favourite squad member (namely Eren), everything goes wrong. In this battle of Levi vs life, who will win? One of three fics from this series.


The Business Meeting

"_Sometimes I wish I'd just stuck to the drug smuggling_" thought Levi.

It was reports day for his squad, and with the new celebrity in the ranks his already tedious work had become wrist-slittingly dull. Said celebrity had just finished his first month with the squad, and for some reason the higher ups had decided in their infinite wisdom to come up with a sea of questions about the boy. It was bad enough answering questions about how the other misfits were performing, but with titan-boy under his command it had become unbearable. What made it worse was that the questions seemed to be written out by Commander Pixis' daughter in bright pink crayon.

"What is Eren's favourite colour?" he read out.

...

"Fuck this shit I'm done. Fuck this city. Fuck humanity. I can't do this anymore."

Throwing the papers up in the air, Levi walked out the room with the intent on hanging himself from a nearby tree using his 3DMG. As he opened the door and turned left, he found himself staring straight into the chest of Commander Irvin. Any normal man would have jumped in surprise, but over 30 years of not giving a shit had taken its toll on Levi's reactions. He simply looked up and prepared for the shit storm that was about to come from the Commander's mouth.

"Have you finished those reports yet Corporal Rivalle?"

"_Fucking psychic jackass_." Levi thought, "No sir, I was just taking a break."

"Levi, you've been in there for half an hour. I know that's 29 minutes better than your previous record, but these need to be done."

"Hng..."

"Well if you're on a break, why not take Jaeger out for some food? You can get to know him better and it may help you with the report."

Levi looked up with hellfire in his eyes.

"_I would rather stand underneath a titan while it was taking a shit."_

"I will get right on it Commander." Levi replied with his trademark dead expression. That expression had been achieved with years of practise.

"Excellent, well I'll let you get to it." Irvin smiled politely and walked down the corridor. When he had reached a safe distance, he turned round and called back, "Oh, and don't forget to ask him if he would prefer a woolly scarf or knitted mittens for winter."

It took Levi approximately 0.2 seconds to register that comment, then a further 5.6 seconds to stop screaming. Interestingly it only took Commander Irvin a total of 3.7 seconds to make it into his office and lock the door, a new personal best and possibly a world record considering his office was 50m from where he was standing at the time.

"I hate you and you need to kill yourself."

"Good morning to you too Corporal Levi sir!" Eren straightened up, smiled and saluted. He always loved interacting with his commanding officer since he was a bit of a legend. Looking straight into his eyes, Eren wondered what incredible techniques he contained inside his mind, and even what he was thinking of that very instant.

"_When I snap you'll be the first to go._"

After 5 minutes of Eren silently fangirling over Levi and Levi trying to stop his rage from choking him, the Corporal was finally able to utter "You are to get dressed for a formal dinner in 30 minutes, that is all."

Levi practically ran out of the room to prevent him from strangling the kid, while Eren almost fainted on the spot. A prestigious dinner with the one and only Corporal Levi?! It was almost too much for him to take. He should tell everyone he knew.

"Mikasa Mikasa!" He shouted out the window, hoping his friend would hear him.

"Yes Eren, I heard about your dinner." came a voice. Wheeling around, Eren almost head butted Mikasa, who seemed to have appeared from the shadows.

"GAAAAH!" Stumbling back, Eren fell into his overly sized wardrobe and promptly heard a loud "OUCH!" sound from within it. Jumping to his feet, he flung open the doors to find Armin on his backside rubbing his head.

"What the hell guys?! How long have you been in here?" Eren's eyes widened as his memories raced back to those lonely nights last week. His fears were confirmed by Armin's gaunt face.

"Long enough buddy...long enough..."

Leaving Armin to have his daily mental breakdown, Eren turned to face Mikasa.

"So...I have a meal with Corporal Levi! Isn't that great?!"

"_No considering that psychotic midget will kill you one of these days._" is what Mikasa wanted to say, but once she looked into Eren's excited puppy dog eyes she just couldn't bring herself to be negative.

"Yes Eren, that is wonderful." she said robotically.

Squealing like a pig, Eren shoved Armin aside and flicked through his vast wardrobe of suits and clothes to find the best one for the occasion. Finding his tailor-made tuxedo (the military did like to spoil him), he began stripping off and changing into it; right in front of Mikasa and Armin. This gave Armin a new set of images to burn his mind with, and thus breakdown number two began. Mikasa on the other hand blushed at the sight of her friend being almost completely naked in front of her. That said, she didn't make much of an effort to tear her eyes away from Eren, who once again was completely oblivious to her attention.

Exactly 32 minutes later, Eren Jaeger burst out of the rear exit building. He had been ready to go 12 minutes ago, but he had some trouble tracking down his elusive superior who, unbeknownst to him, had done everything in his power to try and escape this encounter. Levi had gone straight to his favourite punching bag after their meeting in Eren's room, and despite his best efforts had been found by Irvin and dragged, kicking and silently screaming, to the back of the building. As soon as this was done, Irvin found Eren, who was frantically searching everywhere for Levi, and informed him of his position. Thus, the business meeting had formally begun.

"You're two minutes late Jaeger." remarked Levi, who took every chance he could to be a dick to the boy.

"I am sorry Corporal Levi Sir! I got lost trying to find you sir! Please accept my humblest apologies, and allow me to remark on how good you are looking sir!" Tears welled in his eyes. "_Crap crap crap! How could I be late. Dammit Eren!_"

Levi rolled his eyes. "I didn't get changed you dipshit."

"I know sir." Eren said, tears still in his eyes.

Levi scowled. "If you call me sir again, I swear to god I'll dismember you."

"Got it sir!"

Reaching for the switchblade in his back pocket, Levi looked up to see Irvin's stern face from the nearby window. He shook his head at the Corporal, and Levi sighed and let his arm fall to his side in defeat.

"Lets get this over with." he said, then he began walking to the nearby restaurant.

"Yes Corporal Levi si...Levi!" Eren finished lamely, then followed closely behind him, all the time mentally kicking himself.

After walking for 10 minutes in complete silence (Eren was staring at Levi's back in awe while Levi was in his happy place) they arrived at the Fuk Mi Chinese Restaurant. This was Levi's favourite place to go for food, which is to say it was the only food he could tolerate in this hell hole of a town. His squad had been pulled back into this backwater settlement after the last expedition went disastrously wrong. Not only had the 3DGM gas cylinders had leaks in them, but Jaeger has fallen off his horse due to him being, quoted directly from Levi, a "Fucktard with hands". The fall knocked him out, and the higher ups had freaked out seeing their "prized" possession damaged, leading to the whole squad been sent on a 2 month break. The whole incident made Levi had Eren even more, especially considering that he was the one who had to carry him home, muddy as hell, back to the base. It took Levi 3 solid days to clean his uniform, and that just wasn't on.

"We're here you useless sack of shit. Now go in and sit down."

Eren bounded to the table, anxious to start this important event. He had no idea why he was there, but he knew it had to be important, otherwise the Corporal wouldn't be there. Levi, on the other hand, had to force himself to move to the seat.

"_I could be cleaning my room again right now._" he though, "_I'm pretty sure that if I stick a cloth onto the end of my swords, I can reach behind the drawers and get that dus...oh god he's looking at me. Fucking goofy bastard, I bet he thinks he's hot shit right now._"

Meanwhile, in Eren's head... "_Don't fuck this up Eren, don't fuck this up. You have one chance to nail this so don't fuck this up. Just say something cool._"

"I've killed 13 titans!" Eren blurted out. "_DAMMIT JAEGER YOU FUCKED IT UP!_"

"That's cute kid." Levi's eye's narrowed. "_Lets just get this over and done with..."_

Reaching into his pocket, Levi pulled out a small pile of papers and laid them on the table. Sighing, he beckoned the waiter over and asked for "the strongest drink they had" for "me and the mistake over here." Being a regular, the waiter had the drinks prepared in bulk for the Corporal, and so they were served almost instantly.

"Now you're wondering why I brought you here I bet. Well its because I have a few questions I need to ask you for a report I'm filling in. Now knowing you you'll probably fuck this up somehow, so I'm going to speak slowly and clearly, understood?"

Eren nodded and took a sip of his drink. It was the most vile thing he had ever tasted. His face twisted in disgust at it, but his pride prevented him from spitting it back out. Looking back to Levi, he managed to pull off a sour smile before putting the drink down. Levi in response let out a long sigh, then promptly downed his drink. Eren was in such a shock that he didn't even notice the commotion occurring in the kitchen, and instead just gawked at his superior.

"Question One; how are you finding the Recon Corps?"

"The Recon Corps are the best people ever! They go out and kill titans all the time, and everyone is really cool and nice to me and..." Eren rambled on for another five minutes about how great everything was now while Levi ordered several more drinks for himself. The more he drank, the more bearable this seemed to become, and so he drank them as quickly as possible. Eventually the speech stopped, and Levi wrote down "He is enjoying it, 10/10 for fun".

"I don't give a shit about your life story, just get to the point. Ok question two, how tall are you now?"

"5 Foot 7 Inches." Eren beamed, "And also 15m exactly as a titan."

"Don't mix metric and imperial units." Levi said before writing it down.

"_He didn't insult me!_" thought Eren, "_I think he must be finally starting to warm up to me. Good going Jaeger!_"

Levi looked up to see Eren smiling.

"You're a fucking disgrace to humanity." he added for good measure. "_That'll teach the little prick_"

Looking at the papers, Levi realised that this was going to take a very long time. Perhaps this was god punishing him for not paying any attention to the titan-shifter. Downing his drink for the fifth time today, Levi ordered another and prepared for his personal hell; a one to one conversation with Eren Jaeger.

"So finally Ja-ja-agerbomb bro *hic*. Doi yoi prefer kittens or a scar for snow timezzz?"

"Erm...what Corporal?" Eren was horrified at the state that Levi was in. He could barely see his squad leader over the empty glasses, and the occasional threats of death were becoming more and more likely with every drink he had. Nodding, Levi scribbled what seemed to be a crudely drawn giraffe onto a bit of paper before eating it.

"Jaegerbomb, my bro," he said, magically appearing beside Eren and putting his arm around him, "Y teh fluck doi yoi loooook jus lik meh? How u get ur eyes opens soooo wide?"

Taking the initiative, Eren decided to stand up and take the titan-slayer home. Putting Levi's arm around his shoulder, he tried to lift the small man up. However, being built of 100% pure awesome and muscle, Levi was incredibly heavy, and so Eren was resigned to dragging to the door in a rather undignified manor while Levi screamed "NOOOOOOO MAI UNIFURM! TEH DIRT WIL KILL MEH!"

Passing the table with Mikasa and Hanji on it, he waved as the girls silently glared at one and other before smiling sweetly towards the pair. As he reached the door, Eren spotted Armin curled up in a ball and beckoned him over to help lift Levi. The two of them were just able to accomplish the task, and after the 10 minute walk to their temporary squad base they were exhausted. Struggling to Levi's room, then dumped the Corporal on his bed and sat his papers down on the desk beside him. They then bolted for the door to try and escape Levi's wrath, which was very easy considering the man had no muscle function any more. Closing the door behind them, the two childhood friends looked at each other and swore never to speak to one and other about this ever again.

About 5 hours later Levi rose with a dire hangover to find his room covered in mud for dirty boots. Naturally he freaked out and spent the next 2 hours cleaning it, but when he finished that he finally glanced over to his desk where his notes were.

"_At least its over now._" he almost though, picking up the bits of paper.

But no. If Levi had learned anything in his life, it was to expect the worst. In drug heists, he would expect to run straight into the garrison. In the field, he expected to run head first into a deviant titan with laser eyes. Right now, picking up these papers, he expected to see crudely drawn pictures of animals and hilariously unfunny jokes.

He was not disappointed.

Grabbing his 3DMG, he prepared to carry out his original plan from earlier that day, but as he stepped out of his room he was once again confronted by his Commander.

"Rivalle! I heard you made quite the scene earlier today at a local restaurant. Care to explain yourself to me?"

With hate in his eyes and what probably was shit in his pants, Levi looked straight ahead.

"Fucking half-titan bastard."


End file.
